I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
