The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again