so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.