Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
