Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
