I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
