you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
