[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
