I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Randomize
