seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
