i already hear my dad disowning me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
