I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
