i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
