I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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