Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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