so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
