My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
