My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
