the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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