When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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