cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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