Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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