tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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