In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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