She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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