I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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