I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Even my vagina gasped.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have tasted many bathrooms
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
