I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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