Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
