I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
