so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
