I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
