one two three fourrrrnication!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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