we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
