do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
