I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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