One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
