Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
