I'm so fucking centered right now
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just cut my nipple shaving
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
