my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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