Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
