I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
