You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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