I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
operation harelip BJ is a go
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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