I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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