Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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