I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
