the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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