I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
