I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
