found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
