idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
