idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
