my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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