What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
