It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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