if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
