Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
