I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize