Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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