Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
